it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
