I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
