The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
