Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
