I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
