I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
