My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
