Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
