Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
