what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
