i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
