I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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