Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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