I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
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