Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
