There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
