I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
