so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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