this beer tastes like vomit already
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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