gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
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Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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