Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
