you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
