Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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