I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
