Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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