is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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