her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
