Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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