how can u be prego again
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
