Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha