fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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