If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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