It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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