I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
