is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
