Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want a musical about memes.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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