Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
