the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
