They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
