I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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