Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
