if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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