Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sext me about skeletons
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
