alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
