Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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