A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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