i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My vagina is officially offended.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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