I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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