I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
