Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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