Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
