hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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