Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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