Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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