Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
