how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
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I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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