Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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