someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
