you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
