Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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